The Drivel – UPDATE 6/9/10

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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get good email sometimes.

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different…. Two Different Versions…………….. Two Different Morals
OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering  grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’ Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it..

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:    Be careful how you vote in 2010.

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This email has gone around several times.  The first time I saw it was shortly after President George W. Bush sent our troops to defend America from terrorism.  After that first time it floated around in cyber-space and showed up in my inbox every year or so.

The only thing different about this one and the first several I got is the name Obama.  Previously, it was Osama.  I have always thought those two names were entirely too similar.  This email in its new form may prove that to be truer than I thought.

When I saw this in my inbox again this morning, I almost didn’t open it again.  I am glad I did.  For the first time, the very last line of this hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.  I hope you’ll pay special attention to it too.  It is the very same method that you and I have been trying to use successfully against Obama and his Democratic lackeys in Congress.

It looks like our message will eventually – someday – get through to him.

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.  He slapped him across the face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, “It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.  Obama wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

The Angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said”…..

“You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!”

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Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training for me at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.  Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!  Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:
A**hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.  He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bi**h to find me.  Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that thing Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.  Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’  The sermon tonight:  ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get..

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy..

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:  ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

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Thought for the day:

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings….
we simply continue to fly………on a broomstick…

We are flexible….

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JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE ILLEGAL

You have two families: “Joe Legal” and “Jose Illegal”.
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in
California.

Joe Legal works in construction has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.

Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash “under the table”.

Ready? Now pay attention…

Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.

Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.

Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.

Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.

Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.

Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.

Jose Illegal says, “We don’t need no stinkin’ insurance!” and still has $31,200.00.

Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.

Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.

Joe Legal’s and Jose Illegal’s children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children’s lunches while Jose Illegal’s children get a government sponsored lunch.  Jose Illegal’s children have an after school ESL program.  Joe Legal’s children go home.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.

Do you get it, now?

If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens…
You are part of the problem!

It’s way PAST time to take a stand for America and Americans!

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“The secret of happiness is freedom.
The secret of freedom is courage.” – Thucydides

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One of my good friends and a regular reader of my drivel wrote this poem a number of years ago.  I totally agree with the sentiment it expresses.  I wanted to share it with you, with her permission, of course.

GOD’S GLORY BE!!!

With every little breath I make

And every little step I take

It gets me that much closer

To the GREAT CREATOR …

———-

God is bringing me home

And the door is always open,

I don’t have to knock,

I know it won’t be locked

I’m welcome to just walk

Right in.

———

And I will sing, sing, sing

GOD’S GLORY BE…..

He gives His love

Oh so graciously

A walk with Him…is all I ever need

That’s why I sing, sing, sing

GOD’S GLORY BE.

———

He’s waiting with open arms

To keep me safe from harm,

And tell me that I’m special…

God’s children are so special!!

——–

And if there comes a day

That maybe I might stray…

Or if I just get frightened,

God’s ‘grip’ on my gets tightened

My whole world’s enlightened

BY HIM…

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I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas.  May you celebrate in your heart as well as in your homes the REAL Reason for the Season – Jesus Christ.

THE BELL

I KNOW WHO I AM
I am God’s child (John 1:12)
I am Christ’s friend (John 15:15 )
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ.  (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil 3 :20)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31 -34)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God  (2 Cor 1:21-22 )
I am assured all things work together for good  (Rom. 8:28 )
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16 )
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph.. 3: 12 )
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13 )
I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God’s temple (1 Cor. 3: 16).   I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3).. I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God’s co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God’s workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
I am confident  the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil. 1: 5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven ( Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God’s child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are?

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.  “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to
look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”

Time stopped.  The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:   “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.”

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Some lawyers are worth their fees!!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows.

“Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.
Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana .. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

He got the loan!

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YOU HAVE TO LOVE HIM….A MUST READ…READ THIS!
HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK

The Plan!

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says ‘I love New York ‘ in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams……..Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams’ plan – hard to argue with this logic!

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.

1 – The US / UK, Canada , AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again.

2 – We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea,  the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3 – All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.  We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4 – All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5 – No foreign ‘students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home, baby.

6 – The US / UK, Canada, Australia will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7 – Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production.  About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.

8 – If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.  Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army.  The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9 – Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace.  We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here.  Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10 – All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer.  The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it…or LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.”  She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, “You want a piece of me?”

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The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste like chicken.

4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by the end of next week………

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Ever wonder what it is we are up against where the news media is concerned?  Let me show you a little tidbit I found on FOXNEWS.COM of all places.

New Book Seeks to Debunk Myths About Palin

“Sarah From Alaska: The Sudden Rise and Brutal Education of a New Conservative Superstar” was authored by CBS News reporter Scott Conroy and former Fox News producer Shushannah Walshe, who covered Sarah Palin on the vice presidential campaign trail last year.

Despite her image as a polarizing figure and her penchant to provoke fervent support or intense hatred, the real Sarah Palin is a “complicated person” who isn’t as dumb as her opponents say or as transcendent as her supporters believe, according to a new book.

“Sarah From Alaska: The Sudden Rise and Brutal Education of a New Conservative Superstar” was authored by CBS News reporter Scott Conroy and former Fox News producer Shushannah Walshe, who covered Palin on the vice presidential campaign trail last year.

The book was released Tuesday — almost one year after Barack Obama and Joe Biden defeated John McCain and Palin, and weeks before the former Alaska governor releases her autobiography, “Going Rouge: An American Nightmare.”

“It’s the good, the bad and the ugly,” Walshe told FoxNews.com. “Everything is there.”

The article continues.  But I won’t.  I think you’ve seen enough.

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For the geezer gang

For those of us who are feeling a little older, and missing those great old tunes of  yesteryear, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have been re-released their great hits with all new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Here are some examples:

Herman’s Hermits–“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones–“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
Paul Simon–“Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Carly Simon–“You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees–“How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?”
Roberta Flack–“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash–“I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations–“Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra–“These Boots Give Me Arthritis”
ABBA–“Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer–“You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores–“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”
Procol Harum–“A Whiter Shade of Hair”
The Beatles–“I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Credence Clearwater Revival–“Bad Prune a-Rising”
Marvin Gaye–“I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who–“Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”

—–   000   —–

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car
going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

—–   000   —–

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After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

“Let me see if I’ve got this right.  You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.  You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.  You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.  You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.  You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.  ‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.”

Thirty seconds of silence.  Then the prospective teacher, with amazement on her face said,

“You want me to do all this and then you tell me…. I CAN’T PRAY?”

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THE DIFFERENCES

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t own one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative isn’t interested in hunting, he doesn’t hunt.
If a liberal isn’t interested in hunting, he wants hunting outlawed — with severe penalties.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative faces a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat the enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life his own way.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect and guaranteed protection.

If a black man or a Hispanic is a conservative, he sees his success as his own doing.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government care and protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A needy liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk-show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut-down.

A conservative appreciates the Constitution as the people’s protection from the government.
A liberal resents the Constitution as a stupid way to keep the government from ruling the people.

If a conservative is a nonbeliever, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal nonbeliever wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a non-Christian religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs, and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor, and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he’ll chuckle, nod, and tell his friends so they can have a good
laugh.
A liberal will leave a tacky comment because he’s “offended.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old Farmer’s Advice:

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. •

• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. •

• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. •

• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. •

• Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled. •

• Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. •

• Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads. •

• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. •

• It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. •

• You cannot unsay a cruel word. •

• Every path has a few puddles. •

• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. •

• The best sermons are lived, not preached. •

• Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. •

• Don ‘t judge folks by their relatives. •

• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. •

• Live a good, honorable life…Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. •

• Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none. •

• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance. •

• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. •

• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. •

• The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. •

• Always drink upstream from the herd. •

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. •

• Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. •

• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around… •

• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. •

• Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. •

• Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you. •

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

“Hello!…Hello! ” she shouted. “Can anyone hear me? Hello!”

For a long while, there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, “Hello! Is anyone down there?”

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . . …

“Vote for Obama’s Healthcare Plan!! – Vote for Obama’s Healthcare Plan!!”

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, “Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the geezer gang

For those of us who are feeling a little older, and missing those great old tunes of  yesteryear, there is good news. Some of your old favourites have been re-released their great hits with all new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Here are some examples:

Herman’s Hermits–“Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones–“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
Paul Simon–“Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Carly Simon–“You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees–“How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?”
Roberta Flack–“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash–“I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations–“Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra–“These Boots Give Me Arthritis”
ABBA–“Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer–“You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores–“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”
Procol Harum–“A Whiter Shade of Hair”
The Beatles–“I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Credence Clearwater Revival–“Bad Prune a-Rising”
Marvin Gaye–“I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who–“Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”

—–   000   —–

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car
going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

—–   000   —–

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Responses

  1. ROFL


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